The Jack Bauer List

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

In chess, Jack Bauer can checkmate you in 1 move.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

While being 'put under' in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.

Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.

If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

If you can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The bumper sticker on Jesus' car reads, "WWJBD?"

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're gonna get laid.

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.

Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.