My dad has picked up his life and transplanted himself up here from AZ. If it wasn't for him she would most likely have to go to a nursing home. Certainly not the kind of place I would want to spend my last days. I came up here to provide as much emotional and physical support as I can for the entire family...
I count my blessings that at age 30 this will only be the second time I have had to say goodbye to a grandparent. My mother's father passed away when I was 8 or 9 and I was to young to really understand. This is a lot harder, maybe in part because now I have a much better understanding of my own mortality...
I just want to cry, but it doesn't do any good. Right now the tears are welling up in my eyes and making it a little hard to see the screen. As in life though I must forge on because the only other option is to give up. Sometimes I do feel like giving up, I feel like there is no hope. No matter what we do in life it ends the same for all of us...
For a better part of my life I have wondered if I am dead inside because there really doesn't seem to be much that I really care about. Right now though I really do wish I was a little harder or a little more numb, because then maybe this wouldn't hurt so much. Then I look at my dad and I am having trouble understanding how he is not a blubbering mess. I don't want to do this any more it hurts too much. Life would be a lot easier if I really didn't care...
In addition to my grandmother dying my great-uncle Demo had a Stroke on Sunday night and has not been conscious since. I am immeasurably thankful that he came over to visit on Sunday since I hadn't seen him in several years. His 87th birthday is June 9th and his wife Aunt Anna(my Yiayia's sister) passed away 2 1/2 years ago. He has been one of the strongest most independent people you could ever want to meet...
I think the entire family is in agreement that if he would have to spend the rest of his life in an incapacitated state he would probably rather not have to go on. This raises the issue of whether it is better to go slowly like my Yiayia or quick like uncle Demo...
She has the opportunity to say goodbye to everyone and to contemplate her life now that she has reached it's end. He was able-bodied and self sufficient right up till the end. I'm not sure which is worse, maybe neither one of them is preferable and I can just go on living forever...
That line everyone knows about how parting is such "sweet sorrow" is a bunch of crap. Sorrow is not sweet in any way, it's sour, it's painful, and it hurts. I wish I could say I hate you all because then when our times come it wouldn't bother me so much...
We come into this world crying and alone and we leave this world crying and alone. I am trying hard to make the time in between something that won't make me feel alone and like crying. Maybe since I came into the world naked and screaming I can try to go out the same way...
Right now my Yiayia is sitting in her chair behind me and my Papou(grandfather) is feeding her. The two of them have been together almost 56 years. I don't know who I feel sorrier for, her because she is dying or him because he is loosing his life companion. I am tired of being alone, but since like Descartes said the only thing I can be sure of is my own existence I don't think I have much choice...
Right here I was thinking of doing a roll-call of people that I care about, but I think the list would be far too long and of course there would be someone left off the list. So let me just say I love you all and leave it at that...
3 comments:
Snuff, my friend, I am soooo sorry. Just knowing what I know about you and how strong you are, it makes me tear up just reading this. I knew from talking to you this was going on, but man do I wish I could be there for the moral, emotional support. I love you man and even though you don't believe, my prayers to my gods are going up to your YiaYia, and to you and your whole family. I wish even more now that I could be here when you fly in. We are gonna miss each other by 2 hours. Just know that if ever you need someone to talk to, you know I'm here man. Give your Yaiyai a hug for me and I'll talk to you soon.
So I really can appreciate the whole lot of what you are feeling and revealing in this blog...
Life and death both certainly do seem very unfair at many of times and what can we do other than as you mentioned, forge through it. No one does or ever really will have the answer as to what the ideal way to go would be, quickly and quietly verses slowly and painfully!?!? Even yiayia having the opportunity to say all that need not be left unsaid and time to say goodbye's or Uncle Demo who hopefully was living every moment as his last, neither have experienced the other side to have a comparison.
Since I have already been where you are now, simply keep in mind to enjoy every moment since they are the last and I promise the hardest time also is yet to come. Saying goodbye to yiayia and having it really mean exactly that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Although it is so much easier said than done we do have to remember to be happy that she has had as many wonderful years as what she has and that not too many people get to experience a love like her and papou have shared for so many years with one another, they are very fortunate. We feel pain from losing her, papou's emotions are completely immeasurable in comparison I'm certain!
With Isaiah the other evening I had the most indescribable scare ever when it comes to the idea of all this, you can probably almost begin to imagine all the awful thoughts that were flying through my mind!
In closing I would just like to say that I love you so very much and that caring sometimes may seem like the worst thing you can do, but in actuality you need to let yourself feel the pain to move forward. You can not let it consume you completely, but you do need to feel it!!
You call me if and when you need to talk!!!
Love you always,
Alisha
Much love to all.
TwoSun_Az
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