The Jack Bauer List

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

In chess, Jack Bauer can checkmate you in 1 move.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

While being 'put under' in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.

Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.

If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

If you can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The bumper sticker on Jesus' car reads, "WWJBD?"

You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're gonna get laid.

Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.

Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

One human life lost is too many...

The US loses 195 American lives every 3 months in Iraq. During that same time frame (3 months) 45,000 Allied soldiers were killed in the Battle of Normandy (started on D-Day)...

Feeling Human Again...

Not much to say. Feeling better now that I have turned in my first draft of one of the two 20 page papers I have to write this semester. I am going to New Hampshire next week to visit my Papou...

I have been on a Madonna kick lately, enjoying dance music. I'm enjoying the hell out of another fantasy football season. My DFFL team is 1-5 and my HLLS team is 3-2. In order to avoid redundancy I'm just going to update the rosters for the teams in the posts below...

Ol' Dirty Bastards...

Not really a lot to say, school is moving along nicely, the weather has been rainy every other day, and I just got my MPRE admission ticket. None of that is nearly as exciting as the fact that I've gotten a second fantasy football team...

The league HLSS(Hofstra Law School Sucks) is half Hofstra Law grads which is great because I think it gives the league a good chance at longevity. The same way my other league DFFL(Desert Fantasy Football League) has longevity after starting with mostly former Tosco employees...

The total buy in for both leagues will be about $175. If I win nothing this season I will still be up $420 lifetime in fantasy football. My DFFL team, the Hofstra Hooligans, are having a tough year so far(0-2), but I think the strength of my HLSS team, the Ol' Dirty Bastards, almost makes up for it...

Starters
QB: Rex Grossman CHI
RB: Warrick Dunn ATL
RB: LaMont Jordan OAK
W/R: Willie Parker PIT
WR: Chad Johnson CIN
WR: TJ Houshmandzadeh CIN
WR: Terry Glenn DAL
W/T: Amani Toomer NYG
TE: Jeremy Shockey NYG
K: Josh Brown SEA
DEF: Pittsburgh Steelers
DEF: San Diego Chargers
Bench
QB: Drew Bledsoe DAL
RB: Fred Taylor JAC
RB: Jamal Lewis BAL
WR: Chris Henry CIN
WR: Keyshawn Johnson CAR
TE: Chris Cooley WAS
K: Robbie Gould CHI
DEF: Minnesota Vikings
DEF: Buffalo Bills
DEF: Cleveland Browns

This is an updated roster and so is the one below for my other league. The changes are from trades and picking up free agents. The only move I really need to make still is picking up another TE in the DFFL...

AZ for a Minute and Heading Back East...

We look danger in the face and laugh our heads off...

This will be a short post just to bring everyone back to the present. It has been just over a month since I got back to AZ and in that time I've packed, flown, rode, shipped, moved, and more. The most exciting development has been the start of another NFL season...

I spent a little less than two weeks in AZ. I definitely didn't overstay my welcome because when I left I felt like I could have stayed a lot longer. I really enjoyed the time I spent at home and really enjoyed getting to know an old friend a lot better...

I spent just under a week in NH which also was not long enough. From there I got on my motorcycle and rode back to NY. Since it's awfully hard to bring 4 large duffle bags on a motorcycle I shipped them. Of course it turned into a fiasco with my bags arriving over a span of 6 days...

Once my bags got here I was all moved in to my new dorm room. Below is my attempt at a 360° picture of my room. I took the pictures with my camera on my cell phone and pasted them together on my computer. The door on both sides of the picture is the same door...Fantasy Football season has begun...
School has started again, but we all know that it's not very exciting to write about. I'm more excited about the fact that my fantasy football season has begun. I'm in a couple leagues but the roster in my main league is...

Starters
QB: Rex Grossman CHI
RB: Clinton Portis WAS
RB: Warrick Dunn ATL
WR: Chad Johnson CIN
WR: Terry Glenn DAL
WR: Amani Toomer NYG
TE: Chris Cooley WAS
K: Josh Brown SEA
DEF: Denver Broncos
Bench
QB: Jake Plummer DEN
RB: Ron Dayne HOU
RB: Samkon Gado HOU
RB: Chris Brown TEN
WR: Isaac Bruce STL
WR: Rod Smith DEN
TE: Bubba Franks GB
TE: Jerramy Stevens SEA
K: Sebastian Janikowski OAK
DEF: New Orleans Saints
DEF: New York Jets

This weekend I got waxed(soundly beaten) by Captain Rubber Legs and his Killer Bees. Going into the Monday Night Football game he is up by 30 points with my chances of a comeback being slim to none. It's OK though, it's all just a regression to the mean...

The photos at the top and the bottom of this post are self explanatory. I only got to see them from the air on some of my many flights in and out of the NYC area. Gone but not forgotten...

Goin' Back to Cali & Deep in the Heart of Texas...

After flying back from Maui I turned around and flew out to Santa Cruz CA two hours later. It is the 3rd year in a row that I have been fortunate enough to spend my birthday with my good friend Eli. It was once again a most rejuvenating experience...

The weather was great and Eli had just returned from a 3 week sailing trip(from Hawaii no less). I spent 5 days there and would have stayed forever if life's responsibilities didn't call. The night of July 29th Eli had a "Land Ho" party but I pretended it was my birthday party...

One of the things I did to pass the time while I was there was refine my coffee making skills. Eli's roommate Jeff has an espresso maker, coffee grinder, and bean roaster. So we started with green coffee beans, we roasted them, ground them, and extracted the espresso...

Sadly my time in Santa Cruz once again came to an end. But that meant it was time to head to Dallas TX for a Phi Alpha Delta convention. I hoped to meet up with Rob's cousin Brad while I was there but never got a chance to see him...

I had a great time while I was there even though I never went more than 1/4mile from the hotel. The entire time I was there I never got more than 3 hours sleep in any given night. This debauchery went on for 5 days but seemed to last forever...

I really enjoyed some of the people I met while I was there. Hopefully I will stay in touch with at least a few of them. Unfortunately my experience was marred by the realization that, as is often the case, the institution had corrupted the ideals of organization. Fortunately I mostly remember the fun that I had while I was there...This was the best damn cup of coffee I have ever had...

Eli and I have been hangin' out for 31+ years now...

Candygram... Pizza Guy... Mailman... Landshark!!!

Santa Cruz looks almost the same as it did 14 month ago...

My attempt at putting together one of my panoramic shots...

Heather, Usman, Rob and Me in the Convention Hall...

District XXIX at the 56th Biennial PAD Convention...

On the next episode of Blog of the Rising Syrmo AZ for a Minute and Heading Back East...

Maui Bro... aka Rob and Ashley's Wedding

I know I promised to post every other day or so, but same old same old is that I've been so busy I haven't had the time. Well here I am at the end of the first week of my last year in law school, and I have a few moments so I thought I'd post...

After flying back from New England I spent a few days in Arizona. Only a few days though because it was off to Hawaii for Rob and Ashley's wedding. My flight from Phoenix to Maui was delayed by 7 hours. The flight itself was only 5 1/2 hours. Amazingly everyone maintained a positive disposition. Maybe because we all knew at the end of the flight we would be in Paradise...

Being a poor student I did my trip on the cheap. I stayed at a hostel instead of a hotel or a condo(like some of my working friends did). I rented the cheapest car I could and relied on the kindness of others. I think in the 10 days I was there I only slept at the hostel 3-4 times. I used it mainly as a place to leave my clothes and a place to crash if I felt like I was imposing on anyone...

It was so much fun hanging out with some of my closest friends and almost all of my college buddies. We took over bars and shut places down just like we used to do back in the day. I spent lots of time exploring the island and the beaches. On the second day I was there I went on a snorkeling trip as a guest of a friend's friend. Long story short $185 trip for a $20 tip, like I said a poor student...

One of the most exciting things I did while I was in Maui was go to the top of Haleakala. It is what is left of the volcano that formed the island. It stands over 10,000 ft tall. The drive takes about 2 hours from the base(sea level) to the top(2 miles high). It is a little disconcerting when you are driving along and look over the edge of the mountain to see the clouds below...

I went to the top of Haleakala 3 times. The first was to watch what I had been told was one of the most beautiful sunsets I would ever see. It was beautiful but I didn't listen to the advice I was given and went up there wearing shorts and a t-shirt. It was a little hard to enjoy the sunset when it was 50° outside. So I revised the wardrobe and went up a second time to watch the sunset again, then went up the following morning to see it come up on the other side...

The wedding itself was a blast!!! Everything from the rehearsal dinner to the ceremony and reception was absolutely perfect. Since a picture is worth a thousand words I will just cut this short and post a bunch of pictures...This is what it looks like when we take over a bar...

Ashley gets in on the takeover...

Rob, Blum, Tommy, Chunky, Me, and Rob's Dad at the rehearsal...

The wedding party...

More of the wedding party...

Rob's family...

Rob's sister and nephew...

Rob and Ashley's families...

Ashley's family and friend's families...

Abe and Dorrie and others...

Aaron and Caroline and others...

Uncle Robot(he'll have his own soon enough)...

Tom Selleck eat your heart out...

All I could think of was Old School...

Always the groomsman never the groom...

The reason we were all there...

The entire wedding party...

C'mon admit it you're a little intimidated...

Isn't it romantic...

Lookin' sharp at the reception...

Me, Tommy, and Blum looking good...

My first sunset from the top of Haleakala...

Watching it go down on one side...

And come back up on the other side...

Early morning and thin air, a great combination...

Jaws Fish Tacos really were the best in Maui...

I finally found out where all those annoying people come from...

The best picture I took and my current desktop...

On the next episode of Blog of the Rising Syrmo Goin' Back to Cali & Deep in the Heart of Texas...

Saying goodbye...

Alright this first post will be kinda short, but I need to put something up to get back in the swing of things. I think the most logical way to approach this is chronologically...

My last real post was of my Yiayia's obituary. She made it through her 85th birthday and passed away about 20 hours after I made it back to see her again. As sad as I was to lose her I was glad that she went with her dignity. She passed at home with family...

As is my habit I try to take as much positive away from an experience as possible. It was so good to see my brother and sister, it had been far too long. We spent much of our time together reminiscing about the good times we've had and making plans for the good times to come...This is a picture of me clapping with glee at the prospect that my Yiayia was making Koulourakia(Greek cookies)...

This is my Jail-House pose. There are at least a dozen photos of me out there somewhere in this classic pose. My Aunt Toni thought it was funny......told you there were more of them.

This last one is a semi-recreation of a picture that has been taken a couple times before. If my Aunt Toni ever gets around to scanning the other 2 pics I'll post those too. As much as things change over the years, there is nothing new under the sun...Thanks Aunt Toni for the above pics. I guess all it took was a little bit of public harrasment...

On the next episode of Blog of the Rising Syrmo Maui Bro...

40 days and 40 nights...

It has been 40 days since my Yiayia passed away. I thank you all for your kind words and your patience with my lack of new posts here. Especially in light of my hectic schedule over the past month...

Over the next week or so I will post stories and photos of most of the stuff I have done recently. Locations, people, and events include: New England, Arizona, Hawaii, California, Texas, friends, family, lovers, weddings, birthdays, conventions, and much more...

There should be at least a few interesting things in there. I will try to do a post at least every other day until I catch up. Later this week I will head back to the east coast. Those of you who know me well know that the impending event I am most excited about is my fantasy football draft Monday August 21 9PM EDT...

Oh ya, I guess I'm also a little bit excited about starting my final year of law school...

Alice G. (Scliris) Syrmos
July 4, 1921 - July 5, 2006
(From your mouth to God’s ear...)

Alice G. (Scliris) Syrmos, 85, a native of Portsmouth, died at her home on Wednesday, July 5, 2006 with her family at her side. She was born on July 4, 1921, in Portsmouth, the daughter of the late George and Katherine (Giftakis) Scliris. Alice received her education at Portsmouth High School, Class of 1939 and then graduated from Wilfred Academy in Boston, and went on to open her own beauty salon, Alice’s Beauty Shoppe.

She was an active member of St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church all of her life and was past president of the Philoptochos Society. Alice joined the choir when she was eight years old and directed the choir for many years. For her dedication and outstanding service in the Church, she received the “Laity Award” from the Metropolitan on behalf of the New England Diocese.

Alice also received a Gubernatorial Commendation for volunteer work that she did for the Rockingham County Knitting Program where she participated in crocheting afghans for the homeless and babies with AIDS. She was a member of RSVP.

She is survived by her loving husband of fifty-five years, Theodore Syrmos of Portsmouth; a brother and sister-in-law, Cmdr. Louis G. Scliris, USN, Ret. and Electra Scliris of New York; a son and daughter-in-law, Steven and Julie Syrmopoulos of Tempe, AZ; daughter, Toni Syrmopoulos of Stratham; six grandchildren, Aaron Syrmopoulos of Arizona and New York City, Jason Syrmopoulos and Alisha Syrmopoulos of Winona, Minnesota, Katelyn Hardy and Benjamin Hardy of Stratham, NH and Derek White of Tempe, AZ; three great-grandchildren, Isaiah Syrmopoulos of Winona, Minnesota, Nathaniel Hruby of Friendship, Wisconsin, and Damon Syrmopoulos of Winona, Minnesota; several nieces and nephews and their children.

Alice was predeceased by her two sisters, Theodora G. Natcho and Anastasia Kyreages.

Services: Visiting hours will be held from 6-8PM on Sunday, at the J. Verne Wood Funeral Home - Buckminster Chapel, 84 Broad Street, Portsmouth with Wake Services by Fr. Angelo Pappas at 7:30PM, followed by a brief family eulogy service. Friends invited. Funeral services will be held at 11:00AM on Monday at St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church, 40 Andrew Jarvis Drive, Portsmouth. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church Endowment Fund and/or Rockingham VNA & Hospice, 137 Epping Road, Exeter, NH 03833.

Are you listening to me???

Sometimes I get the feeling people think I don't listen because I talk so much. I try to follow the maxim that you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, you should use them in proportion...

The other day, as I was rushing to get out the door at a specific time, I was told that the only flowers growing on a particular plant in the back yard were some pretty pink ones around the Buddha. I was listening...

Salsa Fresca(aka Light Your World on Fire)

OK I've never done a post like this before, but since I took pictures and I love to make it. The last time I made it was at Captain Rubberlegs'(aka Dr Robot) place up in America's Dairyland for Sunday worship at the NFL altar. That day it was right next to the cheese-dip, both of which were just warm-ups for the beer soaked Brats...

2 Bunches Cilantro
3 Habañeras
3 Jalapeños
1 White Onion
4 Tomatoes

Everything Washed and Cleaned...

2 Bunches Chopped Cilantro...

3 Finely Chopped Habañeras...

3 Finely Chopped Jalapeños...

1 Diced White Onion...

3 Diced Tomatoes...

After Mixing and Adding a 4th Tomato...