___When I have too much time on my hands I get lonely. I am sitting in my room in Sydney by myself. By myself is how I spent too much of my time. I can be alone in a crowded room. I know my parents and family love me but in some small way I feel it is because they want me to do well because it reflects on them. I feel sad.
___I have only been in one serious relationship in my life (tears welling up). That only lasted 8 months and I think it ended because I was emotionally unavailable or maybe because I kept telling her I would leave eventually (and I did). That was 5 years ago. There hasn’t been a trace of love or intimacy in my life since. Is there someone out there for me or did I miss her already because I was scared to say something.
___I don’t care anymore. I hate being a nice guy. It only takes me a few minutes to enter the “friendzone”. I see my friends with someone to love some of them have children, and I want just a little bit of that joy in my life. Have I spent too much of my life self-medicating the pain away to find happiness? Have I become emotionally dead inside? I don’t think so because otherwise I wouldn’t feel this pain.
___This past school year I went out on 2 dates. I thought they both went well but shortly afterwards both women stop responding to my contact attempts. Was I not aggressive enough? Did they mistake my genuine interest in getting to know them as weakness? Did they see me as a poor student with nothing to offer? Does it really matter why? I won’t stop putting myself out there, because like the lottery says “You can’t win if you don’t play.” But then again I have always said the lottery is nothing more than an idiot tax.
___I turn 30 in 1½ months and this is where my life is. I have no one but myself. That’s not true I do have some good friends (Jason, Rob, Dave, and Eli). I have more friends but these are my closest. I have met some good people in NY but it remains to be seen if the bonds created actually stick.
___Maybe I’m just whining, maybe I’m feeling a little depressed. Either way dwelling on it won’t do me any good so I am going to go out and wander the streets of Sydney. I don’t think I’ll find what I’m looking for there but maybe it’ll take my mind off the pain inside.
Maybe my needs are dislexic and I just need a dog to make my life complete.
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1 comment:
Wow young man you are revealing some deep stuff there ........... much respect coming your way and yes, continue to put yourself out there and make yourself emotionally available and remember: you are not alone in this life. You and I , we grew up together and that bond is forever.
Pretty awesome pics Aaron and thanks for the compliments and yes, Richard, that is me......how are you and the new baby?? Riemke
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